Comparisons kill

Like most people I compare myself to everyone, I wonder why I can't do this like someone or that like someone else. It's frustrating and tiresome. Just when I think I'm being me and doing better I see some one and think oh man If I only had that. Most things I have myself to blame. I was looking at some blogs last night and thought oh man my blog is just the stupid slandered template I'm so jealous of all the cute creative looking blogs out there. But the reality is I haven't even tried to figure out to make my blog look better and does it even matter? I don't even know if any one is really even reading this besides my few friends.

I compare my child's clothes to others I see on the street or friends on FB. I wish and dream of the day when maybe we will have "real" jobs so my child can wear all the labels I love and be the cutest boy on the lane. but reality is it's not about the clothes he stinking adorable in everything. My little man has the best personalty and smile that's what makes him cute. He's happy and fun loving and has the greatest laugh.

I compare myself I compare my writing or teaching or clothes or personalty. I compare the way I parent or the things that we do during the day. I compare the shows I like or my taste in books or music.

comparisons kill, the kill my time and energy and friendships. I don't really want to be anyone but me. I have everything I need. An awesome husband and the best baby boy in the world. I have friends and Family all over the world who love and support us as we step out on this crazy adventure.

So why then? Why if I know all these truths do I still compare?  I don't know that answer but hopefully one day I will grow up and get over it.

Where fitting in leads you

So I've been reflecting a lot the last few days on life and what it was like and is like to be a teenager, trying to fit in yet trying to be your self all at the same time. It never made sense to me then and it still doesn't now. It seems like every one is dying to be different but then if you are different you really want to be the same and some how someone gets to choose for you who is cool or not and then if you aren't "cool" you have the OK to pick on the person who is actually doing what you want to do and that's to be different.  OK so did that make sense to anyone cause now I'm confused all over again.

What led me to all this was simply a story I read on a social media site about a young girl from North America who was bullied online by her peers for various reasons which resulted in her taking her life. If that wasn't bad enough it didn't end there. These peers of hers are continuing the abuse on a site dedicated to her memory!! I read that and just thought you have GOT to be kidding me!!!  How is this possible? Who would do this? I can't comprehend this. Now I know  I wasn't always the nice kid in  High school, I was picked on when I was young and I grew up and did the same thing others did to me. I loved gossip and I hurt others. Hurt people hurt other people. I know that it wasn't right and i would change it if I could believe me! We didn't really have all the social media sites they do now days but I couldn't ever imagine doing what kids are doing now days to other kids.

My next thought was how does this happen? I defiantly want to blame parents and yes I'm sure there is truth in that. Why are parents not monitoring there kids stuff? Why have they been able to grow up thinking it's OK to make fun of or bully anyone for being different that's a earned behaviour. It's also society. Our world is so diverse but really only if you choose it. If I wanted I could allow my son to never socialise with someone of a different race, religion, or any other thing that makes us different. Which  could make him believe that being anything but what he is, is wrong, weird, or worthy of being bullied for. I want to blame social media and how it doesn't protect us. It took me forever to figure out how to protect my sons pictures and even then who knows who has seen them or stolen them on the Internet.  Young kids are posting every small detail of there life not realising that once it's online its there for the whole world to see even after you delete it.

We are all different, and to that I say thank you God for creating us to be diverse, to each have our piece to the puzzle of life. I need people who see things differently that can point out when I'm wrong. (which isn't often ask my husband) who can do different things than i can. Friends who parent different so i can learn other ways. Neighbours who help me learn to love  in a new way. kids who with out knowing it point out every flaw in me and challenge me to fix it.


So please next generation fight to be who you are! Fight against the society who is putting a label on you. Fight for the things that you believe in and the things that define you. Please be careful on social media learn how to protect your self and please only allow your real friends access to your life. Friends stand up for one another fight with your friend when they are being picked on or made fun on. I know it's on a thousand cheesy school posters with kids from the 90s but by not saying anything you are agreeing. You may not think so but ask your friend who is being picked on how they felt when you sat there not saying anything to help them. And parents please look at what your kids are saying to other kids. Take your child out into the world let them love and be loved by different kinds of people.

Baby J and his friends in Cambodia

Baby J and his Kiwi Auntie

Baby J and our beloved Neighbour

Here are a few pictures of the many kinds of people who love my son and who my son Loves most in this world.



Rainbow pools and orange faces

Today was the kind of days you take photos and want to remember. Today was a day full of smiles and giggles. oh sure it had it's moments. My small boy decided to leave a trail through my entire flat with my hair ties. There had to be at least 30 black hair ties scattered from my bedroom to the kitchen.  We had a play at the park and lunch at a friends house, and then a mostly wonderful nap. He slept for about twenty minutes in his bed when he decided he would much rather be cuddling with me on the couch while I watched House. I was able to slide out from under his little grasp undetected and get some house work done. And then as promised the night before we blew up the rainbow pool and had a splash. my little boy loves splashing around his little pool, he is defiantly a little Aussie water baby!  He's such a funny little boy and he loves doing what we do. Daddy shows him how to fill up his little toys with water and use them to fill up his little bucket. He watches once and then wants to do it himself. I had a great evening cooking dinner and watching my little man run around with his daddy playing peek a boo behind the stairs leading to our cozy little flat. We had a great dinner of my sons favourite food in the world NOODLES!! my child will eat pasta in any shape and any flavor. Tonight was a creamy tomato pesto that left my little man Orange from head to toe!

Today was a good day, mostly because I chose it. He still cried and made a mess, refused to do what i asked but at the end of the day he's sleeping and I know he's happy and healthy and dreaming of his little rainbow pool.

Him VS Me

Some days I feel like I am playing a game of his needs VS my wants. Some days I look around at my house that seems to be always messy. The spots on my floor that return minutes after I wipe them. The crayons that are scattered all over the house.The items that used to be in one room but little man has rearranged it for me. The afternoons that he's so tired and refuses to sleep and all I want is him to go to sleep so I can have a cup of coffee and quiet. Some days all he needs are extra cuddles and  and I want him to be asleep.  Some days I get frustrated way to easily with the 14 month old boy who is learning his boundaries.  Some days I'm annoyed that he seems to have selective hearing already. Isn't that supposed to happen at 14 years not months?

But then at the end of the day I walk by his crib and I see that sweet face and  I feel bad. I realise again all those things don't matter. He will only be this little once. So tonight I let him stay up a little longer for extra cuddles. Tonight we had yogurt before bed as a special dessert. and tomorrow we will blow up the new rainbow pool and have fun.  I don't want to miss all his silly cute moments because I'm more concerned with my wants over what my little man needs. I want to not care that he likes to help me fold laundry by pulling it all down off the table. Or scream his little head off every time I go to warm up his food. I have the funniest little man. He has a sweet personality and he's full of fire. He loves to play pretend and watch Elmo. I can't help but laugh as he talks to him self and wander around the house.  I'm not a perfect mom I know this but I don't want to miss to much while I figure it all out.  He's my little miracle and I don't want to take his younger years for granted. I have a happy healthy man and at the end of the day that's what matters. Not if I have a clean floor, or if all the toys are in the right place. So tonight as I walk by his crib I will give him an extra kiss on his blonde little head and whisper all the fun things we will do tomorrow.

A Special Day

Today is our good friends Aussieversary!! He came from Canada four years ago to start an adventure. Ya Ya has spent the last four years teaching us all about integrity, Honesty, and how to get over our fears. He has loved our children and made us all look good in front of the camera. Ya Ya has taught me to not be afraid of books with big words, and even use tthose big words in sentences. He's made us all aware of fonts and how to appreciate the good ones. Ya Ya you have have brought us joy with your dancing and laughter with your dad jokes! But most of all you have brought us a new appreciation for coffee!!

Thank you for being teachable and allowing us all in your life. I have learned alot about standing up for what I belive in by watching you live and the choices you make! Thank you for loving my son even when he is yelling his gibberish in the office as you work. we are blessed to call you friend and Ya Ya.

Happy  AUSSIEVERSARY to the worlds best YA YA!!!
 

How beautiful are the feet

A few years ago I spent a few months in India. It was hot and dirty and I fell in love. I fell in love with the food, the colours, and  with these feet and all the feet of girls like her. You could say she is one of the lucky ones she was born a girl and her family loves her. But even though she's in a good family her life won't be easy. There are hundreds of thousand girls who aren't  that lucky. Some are aborted as soon as the parents find out they are having girls, some make it to birth but are left at the hospitals. Even those who are lucky enough to make it home don't have it easy. They are often the last fed in there homes, the last ones to get an education if they get one at all. They are sold into marriage at a young age and then the cycle just keeps going.  Even if she is able to get an education she won't have as many opportunities as her brother.

I met a young girl about 7 at one of the slums who had to quit school and take care of her baby brother all day. This included all the house hold chores and cooking on an open fire. I don't think I was even allowed to use a toaster by myself at seven let alone cook over an open fire!

I was reminded today by my wonder women to not get frustrated by the things that I can't change it's a waste of time.This is true there are many things in my  world I can't change, But this I can change! These feet are not a waste of time! The fact that there are hundreds of thousands missing women in the world needs to be changed! The fact that women are killing there baby girls because they would be better off than living the same life they had needs to be changed! How do we change this? well first these girls need a voice. I'm sure many of the states in India would say they are doing things about it. They are outlawing the dowry system which still happens, It's illegal to find out the sex of your baby but that doesn't stop families from abandoning there baby girl. It's about education, educating women, giving them jobs and helping them and their community to see there value. It's about the world getting behind them and saying No More!! this isn't going to happen anymore. So today I'm saying No More to this. And now you all know about it. So what are you going to do about it now?

Vintage dreams

So I love my job and my little apartment above a very um colourful street, but some days I dream. I'm sure we all dream about what our life would be like if only..... For me it's what my life would be like it my husband and I had normal jobs with normal paychecks. My husband and I are so blessed please don't get me wrong but I still dream.

Tonight my dreams were of the clothes I would love for my son. I found an amazing website called Fore!! Axel and Hudson and it was full of old soul golf inspired things! it was amazing. My son is an old soul like his mother. I love the few items of clothing I have that look like miniatures of my grandfathers clothes. I dream of newsboy hats and sweater vests for him.

My dreams were also filled for my little apartment.  I dream of the day I can fill my cupboards with mason Jar glasses and dishes from the 70's. I dream of velvet vintage lounges and floor standing lamps.

As I write this I am very aware of how petty it sounds. We are blessed with food every week provided by our loving church. We are provided monthly with financial support from a group of people who believe in the work we do. We don't go with out. My son has more than enough clothes and books and love. our house is filled with things I'm sure we don't really need. we are healthy and blessed with people from far away places we can call family as we are so far from our own. My son has more aunty and uncles than he will ever know what to do with. He's growing up traveling  and seeing the real world from a very small age.  But some days I dream.....

P.S. Congrats to my baby sister I'm sure you were a beautiful bride today!!! thinking of you!!!

Green pants and Dreadlocks

So today continues the pursuit of dreadlocks. My sister in law worked last night for about 3 hours and we have a head of sectioned hair and five beautiful dreads. Well I'd say beautiful but my family would say YUCK!! So then why I am I doing this if so many are apposed. Well because I'm almost 30 and I don't care what you say any more. This is not out of defiance or because I'm a big girl now. It comes out of I no longer what to live in fear of what others think and say. I've thought about doing this for 15 years that's half of my life I could have been living with dreads and I haven't only because I was afraid of what others would say. I'm very self aware  I always have been. I've struggled for years with eating disorders and anxiety all because of others. Sure I've made choices along the way that haven't helped but it's been the fear of others that have gotten in the way.

A few years ago my mom was taking a few of us girls shopping for Christmas. We were at Jcrew picking out some corduroy pants and they had every colour including green. I loved them I thought they were amazing I had to have them. I tried them on and put them in the please Santa pick these pile! And Santa brought them to me. I've only worn them a handful of times why? because people have commented on the fact they are green and I got fearful that I was a walking Christmas tree in October. So I long to wear them but they never get picked.

Now I know in the grand scheme it if all this could simply be a first world problem, who cares if I keep my hair curly and only wear sensible coloured pants? There are much bigger problems out there and yes this is true. but the problem with keeping these things hidden is it's also a part of me. And I'm amazing baby!!! by continuing to keep parts of me hidden is letting me grow stale and stagnant. A river can't let only part of it's water go into the ocean or the part that doesn't go will get all nasty and dry up. I'm meant to be something and do something. I want to teach and help the next generation know things about life that were kept hidden from me. I want to help the next generation wear there green pants. There are people who have the answers to childhood cancers, that can stop wars, and have ideas how to just do life better than we are doing. But if they are to afraid to wear green pants and get dreadlocks this world may never change.

So I'm pushing 30 and I"m finally ready to say yeah this is who I am, I'm a writer and a teacher, I like green pants and all things granola. I'm shy and loud and I'm going to change the world. I hope that my son grows up in a world that he can be and do what he wants with no fear, but first he needs to see his mum do that. He needs to have an example.

So today please wear green pants!!

Trying to click my heels

Three years ago my husband and I made a choice to move on the other side of the world from our families. He's Canadian and I'm American and we are doing life in Australia, which we love. But it raises it's challenges and it cost us a lot. We miss out on every birthday of a loved one or a special friend, I can't just stop by with a coffee when my best friend is having a hard day. I wasn't there to hold my niece when she was first born. And I didn't get to say goodbye when my uncle passed. Joys and sadness is shared over poor connections of Skype and are often interrupted with um what did you just say??  But we do it and we love what we do here, the people we meet and the places we go.

At the beginning of August my oldest sister got married. She wore red and all the guest wore white. I wasn't there, I didn't where white, I wasn't there to watch her say I do, to eat a cupcake, and drink with my new family.I look up to my older sister. She's the strongest lady I know and she deserves all the best in life.

A few week later my younger sister got married. I heard she looked beautiful. I don't know because i wasn't there. I didn't see her walk down the aisle, I didn't get to watch my new  brother wipe away a tear as she came down the dirt path to him. I didn't get to be a bridesmaid, or watch my son carry a ring. I didn't eat a hot dog or drink root beer with everyone. That day I was sad all day she is not just my Hermana but my  best friend. We used to live together and share a tiny bed and we loved it.  I should have been there to make a toast to say welcome to my new brother and good bye to my little sister.

And in two days my baby sister gets married. In two days she gets a new last name and a boy will be sleeping in her bed. In two days she moves out of the family house and I'm not there. In two days she will slip in to the most beautiful white gown and be surround by the people who love her the most. She will like the other two walk down the aisle and I will not be here. I love my baby sister more than she knows. We had a rocky start but I'd say we are pretty solid. I love that face that she has and the heart is just as beautiful. She deserves this very special day!

They all three know I wish I was there and that I tried. But I hope if they read this they see a little more how special they are to me. The four of us are all very different. We all have different last names. Some of us have different birth parents. And we have all walked very different paths. But we have one  thing in common. we are connected to the most amazing family. That has taught us to stick together no matter what. That loyalty and family is the best thing in life. And nothing can break this bond of crazy sister hood the four of us have!!

So to my three sisters and especially you today face I'm clicking my heels trying to get home

The first of many

 I have started this blog for a few reasons one I'm turning 30 in a few months and have realized I have a lot I want to say to the world. I have no idea if anyone will read this or even care but I have a voice a small one compared to the amount of people in this world but it's a voice that should be heard. It's a voice that wants to speak up for those who can't. No correction it wants to shout for those who can't. My hope is  that this will be a place that I can allow myself and others to explore all the stuff that's going on in this world big or small. I want a place to be open and honest and human.. Some days that may be an injsutice in the world or it may be the fact my 14 month old has once again decided to rearange my cuboards, who knows but this is going to be my place for my voice.

Well I guess now to introduce myself for those readers who have stumbled upon this and have no idea who i am. I am a mum, a friend, a wife, a daughter, a sister( not always a great one), I am a lover of Jesus, a fighter of injustice, a phtotgorahper, a traveler, a reader, and a lover of all things chocolate, I am expat living in a foreign land, a song writer for my baby boy, a leader, an artist with crayons, a baker, and a movie watcher, I love to learn and try new things, I'm crafty,and funny, I'm a bit granola and most would say I have an old soul.

I have many more things to say but I better leave it at that and go clean my kitchen and start dinner while my little man sleeps.